


Child's Play

by concupiscence66



Category: Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-24
Updated: 2012-12-24
Packaged: 2017-11-22 05:48:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/606464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/concupiscence66/pseuds/concupiscence66
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shortly after Howard returns from his failed attempt to be an actor, Vince is writing the next great children's book.  As he helps Vince come up with a child-friendly ending, Howard realizes there might be more to Vince's story than even Vince realizes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Child's Play

Howard was back at his old post, leaning against the counter and waiting for lunch. He was not going to be a great actor.

 

He might be a great actor but no one would ever know so it didn't matter.

 

Vince was hunched at an ancient easel, painting. Vince had found a new passion, he was writing a children's book. If anyone could understand the mind of a child, it was Vince Noir.

 

Howard smiled a little when Vince's phone blared "Future Sailors". It was a good tune.

 

"Janie! All right. Whaddja think? Brilliant? I thought it would be."

 

Howard dug his nails into the palms of his hands. Janie was Vince's literary agent. Vince had a fucking literary agent and a contract because three days earlier, Mama Zoom had said Vince told such lovely stories, he should write children's books.

 

Everything just fell into place for Vince. Vince could be anything he wanted if only he didn't have the attention span of gnat.

 

"The end?" Vince cried in distress, "Whaddja mean the end is depressin'?... Yeah, that is depressin' but that's how it ends. There is no other ending."

 

Howard's interest was piqued. 

 

"I guess I can try. I'll talk to my mate, Howard, and maybe Naboo. He's a genius."

 

Howard walked around the easel to take a look. Vince was working on a picture of a princess in a glittery purple gown with oddly pointed features and an enormous head of black hair. The princess was sitting alone on a rock, apparently kicking at the ground. Underneath were the words, "So Princessa learned how to be alone and sad. She still had mates and genius clothes so it wasn't too bad but she was never happy again."

 

Howard rubbed his eyes. Surely even Vince knew a children's story couldn't end with the heroine learning to live without happiness. You can't explain ennui to little kids.

 

Vince hung up the phone and grabbed Howard by the lapel of his jacket, "You've got to help me, Howard. I'm in big trouble. Janie says I need to write a new ending! What am I gonna do?"

 

Howard smiled at the panic in Vince's eyes, "I think I can write the end of a children's book. You may not realize it but, I'm one of the finest writers of my generation."

 

Vince didn't bother to argue with Howard's bravado, he just gathered some pages together, "Here's the rough draft. Read it through and see if you can think of a different ending. I'll keep working on the paintings. Janie says she can have this one the shelves by the end of the month. I'm already booked for three signings!"

 

Howard growled and sat down with the sketches. 

 

"This is a story about a beautiful princess name Princessa. She was amazing. She had a closet the size of Croyden. All her clothes were from the best shops in Paris and her hair was so big, fluffy and full of body, it was like having an angora cat on her head. She would go to all the trendy clubs at night but during the day, she mainly hung around in the forest talking to the animals."

 

The next two pages were about all the things in Princessa's life that were great or genius. She had a genius home in her genius kingdom with her genius friends and had a generally genius time. It was drivel and would possibly lower the I.Q. of the children who read it but the illustrations, though roughly sketched, held Vince's usual charm. The book would probably be a best seller.

 

"Princessa was walking through the woods, looking for something to chat with when she saw the Village Idiot sitting on a rock, reading a well big book."

 

Howard frowned at the illustration. The Village Idiot looked rather familiar with his mustache and miniscule eyes. And his corduroys. 

 

"Princessa said, 'Oi, Village Idiot. You ain't supposed to be reading that big book. That ain't part of your job description, is it?' What Princessa didn't know was Edward was from a long line of Village Idiots. His father had been one and his father before him. Despite his parents' best efforts, Edward turned out smart. It's always hard to work a job when you ain't suited to it and Edward hated being an Idiot. He was probably the smartest person in town but no one ever asked him nothing."

 

Howard glanced at Vince, painting away. 

 

"Princessa didn't read big books but she could tell straight away that Edward was well smart so she asked him questions so she could learn things."

 

Howard turned the page. The next sheet featured Princessa and Edward sitting on a rock, close but not touching. The rest of the page was filled with "Edward?" as though Princessa were saying the name over and over. Howard laughed out loud and Vince cast a hopeful eye in his direction.

 

"Genius, innit?" Vince asked.

 

"I'll reserve my judgment," Howard hedged, trying to hide his smile.

 

The next page featured Princessa asking a very angry looking Edward if the black bits in bananas were tarantula eggs. Howard laughed again and Vince looked satisfied. Howard stood up to look at some more of the paintings. Princessa was drawn in vivid colors with glitter mixed into the paint and tiny, glass, diamond-like jewels in her eyes. Edward was in pale shades of brown and forever slouching. In the pictures where Edward was smiling, his eyes disappeared entirely. It was annoying.

 

It was also cute.

 

Howard turned back to the story. Princessa continued to badger Edward with silly questions for the next few pages. Each question was sillier than the last until the tone took an abrupt turn and Princessa asked, "Why are you alone? Why don't you have a wife?"

 

"Edward said, 'When I meet the right woman, I'll know. We'll look into each other's eyes and read each other's souls and know we are meant to be together forever.' 'How you gonna look into her eyes when you spend all day on a rock in the forest?' asked Princessa who was smarter than she seemed sometimes. 'I'll find her,' Edward vowed."

 

Howard cast a nervous glance at Vince who was hard at work, his brow furrowed with thought. He barely looked like Vince. Vince wasn't meant to think so hard. He really cared about this book.

 

"Princessa thought about this for a day and for a night and finally asked, 'Do you think it's me?' Edward jumped in surprise. He had not realized Princessa was still there because she had been quiet for so long, 'Is what you?' 'The girl you are meant to be with. I mean, I am the girl you are always with so maybe I'm who you are supposed to be with.' Edward jumped away from Princessa and told her she'd gone wrong."

 

Howard felt his face going red but Vince was still hard at work, oblivious to Howard's reaction. Possibly oblivious to what he had written in his simple story.

 

The next page featured a doodle of Princessa and Edward kissing. Little hearts came from their heads.

 

"Princessa said they should kiss, see if they had chemistry. Edward argued and sulked but finally agreed. They kissed and Princessa knew that she had found her true love."

 

Howard turned the page. Edward and Princessa were eyeing each other warily.

 

"'What do you think? Princessa asked, 'Am I the girl for you?' Edward shook his head no. 'But, Edward,' Princessa argued, 'You liked kissing me. You like talking to me. You like being around me. I think I really might be the one'. Edward looked at Princessa and realized, she was probably right. His choices were love Princessa or be alone forever."

 

Howard's hand shook as he turned the page.

 

Princessa was sitting alone on the rock, learning to live without happiness.

"That's your ending?" Howard asked in a strangled voice.

 

"Yeah, but Janie don't like it. She says it's too depressing for kids. I don't know how else to end it though."

 

Howard picked up a pencil and wrote.

 

"Edward went away and tried to forget about Princessa. He tried to forget her sparkling eyes, her fluffy hair and the way she made Edward smile until his eyes disappeared. He thought if he could forget about Princessa, his life could go back to the way it was: simple, boring and risk free. He lasted two weeks before he went running back to his rock only to find himself replaced with another Village Idiot. Edward pushed the idiot out of the way and took a seat next to Princessa, who continued to chatter, never seeming to notice her conversation partner had changed."

 

Howard handed the paper to Vince and headed upstairs to his room to think.

 

xxx

 

Howard fell asleep listening to Coltrane and woke suddenly in the middle of the night. He peeked downstairs and found Vince still at his easel. Howard nervously made his way downstairs and looked over Vince's shoulder. He was painting Edward pushing a generic looking idiot off a rock.

 

"Do you have an ending, yet?" Howard asked, his voice cracking. 

 

Vince turned and grinned, "Your bit was genius, Howard! Here's the new ending. Tell me what ya think."

 

"Princessa barely dared mention that Edward had returned. She never wanted him to leave again. She wouldn't ask about kissing or true love any more, she'd just be happy to have a good friend." The accompanying doodle was of Edward and Princessa holding hands and smiling.

 

"Vince... are you trying to tell me something here?" Howard asked, the hand holding the story's end was shaking.

 

Vince looked confused, "Whaddja mean?"

 

"I mean, Princessa is a bit like you and Edward is a bit like me..."

 

Vince tilted his head, "I guess so. I do have great hair and talk to animals and you like big books..."

 

"And I left and you replaced me," Howard added, hoping to help Vince make the connection.

 

Vince lined up his paintings in the order of the story and looked quizzical.

 

Then his face turned red and he ran out of the room. Howard was on his heels in an instant, his long Northern pins giving him the advantage.

 

"Vince, I don't know what to say but..."

 

"I wasn't trying to act up," Vince mumbled. Howard had him trapped in a corner of the kitchen. Vince hid behind his hair like a child, "It was just a silly story. It wasn't supposed to mean anything."

 

Howard stood in front of Vince, wringing his hands. Vince barely understood his story, maybe Howard was reading too much into it.

 

"I think," Howard said before clearing his throat and starting again, "She is the one. For the Village Idiot. She's the one and he knows it but he's scared."

 

"What's he scared of?" Vince asked, "She's just some silly girl who don't know anything."

 

"She's beautiful, charming and everyone loves her and she's the only person who notices the Idiot. How could he not love her? He's just afraid of being rejected," Howard explained, staring at his feet.

 

"How's he gonna get rejected? Princessa loves him so much, he's all she cares about."

 

Vince was looking Howard in the eye, he was talking about the book again.

 

"Love is pain, Little Man. It's hurt and rejection and broken hearts..."

 

"No way! That's not love. Love is happy! Love is snogging and hugging and making each other laugh. All that pain stuff is rubbish. You been listening to too much jazz. It's filled your head with weird ideas," Vince challenged. There was paint on his cheek.

 

Howard reached out with a shaking hand and tried to wipe the paint away. It didn't work. The paint had dried. He kept staring at the spot of paint and Vince's face moved in closer until their lips were touching.

 

Vince took his time, exploring Howard's mouth while on tip toe. When he pulled away, his eyes were wide and questioning.

 

"Vince?"

 

"Yes, Howard?"

 

"We've been friends for a long time and I wouldn't want to risk that by rushing into something without thinking it out, examining all the angles, taking into account the potential downfalls..."

 

"Do you want to go upstairs?" Vince asked, twining his fingers in Howard's. 

 

"What about your story?" Howard asked before actually slapping himself for his stupidity.

 

Vince smiled and kissed Howard's reddening cheek, "I know how it ends now."

 

xxx

 

Howard wasn't surprised to wake up alone. He'd been awkward and fumbling and he hadn't lasted very long. Vince had remained cheerful the entire time, laughing and teasing Howard about his eagerness. He was sweet and patient and did all he could to make their encounter smooth and even a little romantic.

 

Howard quickly dressed and quietly walked down the stairs. Vince was working on his paintings, he was wearing Howard's pajama shirt and a pair of pants - nothing else.

 

Howard made some noise so Vince wouldn't be startled.

 

"Howard! I'm on the last painting. I'll be able to send them out by courier tonight. I think this could be my Holland's Opus."

 

Howard didn't bother to correct him and that got Vince's attention.

 

"What's wrong, Howard? Your eyes are shiftin' 'bout more than usual," suddenly Vince's face fell, "Oh, no. Are you chucking me again?"

 

Howard looked at Vince's final painting. Princessa and Edward were kissing, the canvas filled with little hearts. Underneath it said, "Princessa and Edward talked and laughed and realized that they had been in love all along. They just didn't recognize it cause they was having too much fun just being together."

 

Howard stood behind Vince and awkwardly wrapped his arms around his friend, knocking over a tin of paint in the process.

 

"Sorry."

 

Vince leaned back into Howard's arms, "I'm not."


End file.
